And Another One

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And another one, as in A-NO-THER relationship bites the dust. I couldn’t even play the I’m Just So Unlucky In Love, Maybe Someone Put A Halle Berry Curse On Me victim card either. Nope. Not this time. Instead, I was forced to be honest with myself. It’s funny (not really) how recycling similar experiences forces self-reflection and honesty. The hard truth is, although I go hard for whomever I’m rockin with, I sometimes kinda make fucked up choices when it comes to men. And that’s not to say that the men I’ve happened to fall for were total douchebags. They were, in fact, guys I enjoyed laughing and spending time with. Guys who’d buy me birthday gifts (but never flowers even though I really love flowers). Guys, who’d hang paintings, change the oil in my car, provide words of encouragement if I ever had work-place drama. Guys who met my family and introduced me to theirs’. They were guys who would look out for me.  They were also the kind of guys who’d become skittish when conversations about the future and our next steps arose. They were guys who preferred evading to communicating, withholding over sharing truths (I guess they just didn’t want to hurt my feelings which is ironic because they all ended up hurting…my fucking feelings). They were guys whose vision and values didn’t fully align with my vision and values. Guys, I’m certain loved me, liked me even, but guys who didn’t have the lenses needed to look at me and see magic. And that’s what made them, not bad guys, just fucked up, self-selected, selections for me.

This last guy was charming, sweet, survived a tough upbringing, goal oriented, and funny when he wasn’t being quiet or guarded. I so wanted to believe in him, to see only the good in him, to not hold past flaws against him. I also, if I’m being totally honest, wanted to scratch some shit off my to-do list:

1. Meet someone

2. Ditch Tinder

3. Get married in a couple of years

4. Move on to the next to-do item because I’m over all this trial and error, swipe left, swipe right nonsense

And that’s precisely where I fucked up. Trying to take shortcuts (like cohabitation), neglecting principles, making concessions, and overlooking clear signals all in the interest of hastiness. And although something told me this man may not have significant regard for the things I regarded significantly, I never suspected he’d cheat on me (total deal breaker).  But Life shall not be mocked. I paid for every neglected principle, every concession, and every shortcut. So as my friend tried to console me by saying, “You didn’t do anything wrong. This isn’t your fault”, I wasn’t willing to let myself off the hook so easily. Something (like intuition) told me, I don’t really see this ending the way you’re hoping it’ll end. But I ignored it and forged ahead because I was older. Felt I had something to prove. Needed to worry about other things on my to do list. (Another lesson learned: Time will not be mocked. I vow to never try to force or rush another thing in my life.)

Now, something I love (love, love, love) about myself is this, while I still haven’t mastered selecting guys who are more aligned with who I am as a woman and while I’m respecting (valuing) the process of investing more time and effort on the front end of the selection process, walking away and refusing to look back after a relationship has run its course (say being cheated on or strung along or just totally disrespected) is no obstacle for me. It’s easy like Sunday morning. I’m like Nina Learn To Leave The Table When Love Is No Longer Being Served Simone in that regard. But my love goal isn’t to be The Breakup Queen or The Boy Bye Girl my entire life. It’s to apply these vital lessons (that seem to be on repeat), set myself up to win in love someday, and form and foster a dope ass friendship with someone who looks at me and sees magic. I understand there are no guarantees and you can do everything right and still be thrown a curveball but I’m committed (for real , for real this time) to doing everything in my power not to recycle the same old, tired experiences.

NOTE: I’ve seen cohabitation work very well for some and not so well for others. However, my spirit told me it wasn’t a good move for ME at the time. We all have unique journeys. With that being said, follow your heart in doing what feels right for you. Just felt the need to share that.